Los pensamientos de un gordo joto vulnerable

So this was my response to a blog entry by my friend Clare. It turned into something really personal so I have decided to post it on my blog as well, probably against my better judgment. But this is what I wrote:

Oh Clare,

I wish I had the right words to say, but they would only ring with hollow truth, since I do the very same thing that you do. I constantly think about my physical presentation to other people, especially men! Either way you look at it it is not healthy; whether we are talking about the physical unhealthiness of being large or the emotional toll it takes because you grow to dislike, even hate, the person you are or have become. There is not an hour that goes by, literally, where I do not think about my size at LEAST once. There is never a day that goes by where I am DISGUSTED by what I am. And ultimately, it does not matter what ANYONE says about me; someone could say that I am the most beautiful person that they have ever seen and truly mean it, but it would not phase me in the least. In the final analysis, I have bought into the mainstream idea of what is beautiful and good-looking, and therefore until I can redefine what beauty is for me nothing will matter. Finding someone that likes me or finds me attractive is only a temporary fix because it is I who subscribes to the dominant notion of attractiveness (at least as it relates to myself), and until I find a new sense of self and redefine myself in a new way, I will always feel the same way about myself. Even now it is hard to put these words down because I feel so exposed, fragile, and vulnerable. I usually hate having this conversation with people because they usually come back with some trite comment that castigates me for saying such things and then presume their comments solve any of my issues and make me feel better. When I make comments about my body size and people respond, I usually let the comment pass right through me as if it were some hollow ethereal spirit because to me they sound so insincere and untruthful, ESPECIALLY BY THOSE WHO ARE THINNER THAN I AM. It is such a chore to even sometimes get dressed and go out, especially when we are talking about going out to party, dance, etc. Going to conferences and other events are stressful because I work so hard to conform myself, aaaaaagggggggghhhhhhh. I don't like the emotions that this is raising in me at the moment, but I do understand that it is beneficial, because usually I atmost deal with it through some off-handed self-depricating humour that is meant to create a sense of self-confidence that is only as thin and as frail as a piece of tissue paper. The fact that I am of a larget size is only compounded by the fact that I am queer. The only time that I ever truly regret being queer is not when I lose a friendship or my parents remind queerness is a sin and that I will be going to hell, but rather when I am reminded or told that I can only be as queer as I am thin. Many times it is really hard throughout an evening of partying and dancing, except when I am really drunk, to be happy and having fun because I feel so below and inadequate! As I write these words I am trying to do everything not to erase them. I do not want to share these thoughts, but something inside says only this way will anything get better. Another thing that I hate is when someone I know tells me about all of their sex-capades or how this person or that person hit on them; then I feel guilty because I should be overjoyed for them in the sense that someone sees some worth in them as a sexual being (hopefully it is not just that if it is a LTR). I have a hard time seing the boundaries between my sexuality and body image, they are very muc interrelated. So Clare, maybe this makes sense to you and you can understand. I thought I would throw these words out there, for what purpose I do not know, but what I do know is that I hope they do not ring hollow and deceitful. We are both larger than the perceived norm, but for a brief moment anyways, the thoughts and emotions of two individuals found each other in the dark.

I would ask that anyone who is planning on responding to this post not do so with trite or banal commentaries that just make things worse. There is a time and place for platitudes and this is not one of those. Thank you.