Respuestas para Pinky

1. What do you fear the most in the whole wide world?

I fear that I will never fall in love or be loved in that way in return. Don't get me wrong I feel that people love me, and love me in a very real and deep way. However, I also feel that very real and deep way is seen in the light of brother, grandson, or really really good friend. I know I will anger many people when I say this, but I honestly can say that I do not feel or believe a person is capable in loving me in a more intimate or romantic manner. Again, please don't come back at me and tell that this is bullshit, because I am only trying to tell you what I feel and think as to what my reality is. The fact remains that I have never been approached by an individual whom I've had mutual feelings or attractions to, and it has gotten to the point that I am TERRIFIED if that were to happen. I hate thinking about this subject, it always gets me really depressed and unhappy...but eventually I suppose I am meant to confront my fears, although I am not sure today is the day. In the end, I believe at this time in my life this is what I fear the most!

2. What do you love the most?

Ironically, my greatest fear and love are very much related. I think my greatest love of all is making people feel loved and cared for in a very organic and heartfelt sort of way. As I have said in a number of blog entries or responses over the last couple of days I have said that I dislike trite and banal comments, much in the same way I dislike displaying my affection and love in predictable and expected sorts of ways. For example, a friend of mine is battling cancer right now and he likes bunnies. Well, when I was 3, about to turn 4, years old I contracted an acute form of tonsilitis that blocked 75% of my airway and if they were to operate there was a very good chance that I would bleed to death on the operating room table. While I was in the hospital a close family friend bought me a stuffed bunny that looks a lot like the velveteen rabbit. To say the least it is by far the most treasured object of my childhood. Today I woke up and decided to give it to my friend in the hopes that it would look after him as it did me so many years ago. I like to send cards or flowers unexpectedly. I like to buy a gift for someone that they mentioned they liked just in passing once, so that they know I actually listen to them. I love to cook for people. Ultimately, I like to fill peoples' lives with what I feel many times don't have enough of...love. To let people know that they are worth being personally invested in in a very real way, is super important to me and something I love to do.

3. what do you like most about Daniel, Clare, Jessie, Colette, and I (and you have to answer for each of us)?

• Daniel - what I like the most is that Daniel is a really good listener, even though you might not know it or expect it. And because he is a good listener he oftens times knows what questions to ask you in a conversation that allows you to say some things you are afraid to say and are looking for a way out in order to share your thoughts. And so, because he asks the right question you feel obligated to answer and then you have your way out in order to share what your real thoughts are.
• Clare - I love Clare's humility the best. So many times you meet organizers and politicians where it is all about the ego, and that is definately not how it is with Clare. I feel that what you see is what you get with Clare, you might not get the entire picture, but what you do see is real and organic. There is no reason for glitz, glamour, frills, bells, and whistles with her because she understands that all of that is nothing but sanctimnious bullshit. She stays true to progressive ideals and is a very holy and humble individual indeed.
• Collette - I love that Collette is able to tell you exactly what you need to hear, but don't want to hear, in such a way that makes it feel okay. Recently there was a particular issue I was dealing with in which she was the first and only person whom I told the whole story to. I understood the realization that I needed to come to, but did not want to; and lo and behold Collette just lays it all out for me. And afterwards, I felt a lot better and since have been able to deal better with that part of my emotional life (at least as it concerns that particular issue). I do not know of another individual who could have accomplished that very same thing.
• Jessie - I am extremely appreciative and love the fact that I have found someone who I am able to relate so well to in many different and important ways. The fact that Jessie supported me and understood completely what I was dealing with when I came out to my Abuelita was invaluable and so necessary. It amazes me how he always puts everything before himself: organizing, friendships, school(?), etc. Sometimes he puts himself last so much and at such ciritical times that it can become a fault. I also am loving the fact that I have found another person to whom I can converse with on a regular basis in spanish that is outside my family.
• Pinky - I am not sure there are enough words in the english language to describe what I love the most about Pinky. The amount of loyalty she expresses and that she has towards her friends is absolutely amazing. I have never met someone who is so willing at any given moment to go to the mat for her friends. If her friend needs something, and it is within her power, it is as good as done. I also love the fact that she is so honest and frank with me, that she has been able to have some very uncomfortable and hard conversations with me and yet not have a fucked up dynamic afterwards. The fact that she cares so much about me it helps remind me that I am still alive.