Una llamada de mi mamá

So, I received a call from my mother today which in and of itself isn't amazing, but something clicked in my head when she called. First, I would just like to say that for those of you who are close to your parents, whether it is both or just one, consider yourselves incredibly blessed and very fortunate. I have never been particularly close to my father EVER, but in recent years the chasm between us has lessoned somewhat but still very much exists. I use to be extremely close to my mother. We innately had a really close bond up until college and then many things changed. First, my parents and sister converted from catholicism to a very conservative form of evangelical christianity. They joined a church in fact, that has a number of websites dedicated to help families intervene and rescue loved ones from this church. About a year after their conversion I came out to them and for all intents and purposes all hell broke lose (no pun intended). Since then things have been really strained between my mother and myself and I hate it. For latin@s there is usually no more important thing than family, so when it seems as if those very individuals deliberately withold at least a part of their love it is devastating. I have an extremely small family, even when extended family are included, and most know that I am queer. Of those that know only one has been truly supportive, and that is my abuelita, and the only other person who has been even remotely supportive is my aunt. So, why am I bringing all of this up...

Well, when my mother called me today she asked me if everything is alright with me and whether I had seen a therapist yet. I had informed her that I did not see one yet, but that I do have an appointment. She then said that she wants me to tell her when I do see one. What I do not get is what she expects me to tell her. I know exactly what she is going to want to know. She will ask me what I told the doctor in detail and then what their response was. I don't understand what she thinks she is going to get out of me. I don't trust her, let alone feel comfortable telling her what went on in the session (plus, it is the first session so very little I imagine will come out of it). The point is that I REALLY want to be able to tell her what I am going through, I want things to go back to how they used to be, but at this point it is not an option.

Time draws near when I have to have yet another long and painful conversation with my parents. I have had them many times before, of which I have initiated all of them, and it seems that I will have to do so again.

I would like to apologize to the handful of people that actually read this blog for it being very depressing all of the time. Suffice it to say that I am not in a very good or happy place right now in my life (which is probably apparent without me saying it). I soemtimes can't believe that I right have the shit that I do on this damn things because I am not sure I want everybody who reads this to know a lot of these thoughts, but I am sure deep down inside somewhere I do...I don't know. Either way, I do apologize and hopefully soon I can post some more uplifting and good news and thoughts, so we will see...

Hmmmm...

I am in a really weird mood today, especially right at this moment in time. Over the last few days I have been going over the many friendships and relationships that I have in this world and have contemplated who I want to associate with anymore. I can't really explain what has brought me to such a line of thinking...or maybe I can I just do not care to divulge it in such a public a manner...who knows? I am going through another one of those crazy mood swings that I wish I could just throw the brakes on and move in reverse, but it seems the harder I try to stop it the more powerful it becomes. I scheduled an evaluation with the UW Behavioral Health Department of the UW Hospital to take place in the next week and a half. I can't wait for that date to come because these emotional ups and downs fuckin suck!!!

On a lighter note...I've seen three great movies lately that I deeply recommend Man on Fire, Angels in America, and Latter Days. As well, the wonderful Clare, sent me a great gift that I received on Friday. It was a poem that is set into some sort of art collage that is beautiful (I am sooooo sorry I am not describing it with justice b/c my art vocab is absolutely pathetic). On the same day, another friend, Cheryl, my grrrl from back home in Milwaukee (M-town!!!), sent me a package with the soundtrack to Camp (another movie I highly recommend) and the first season of the Dave Chapelle Show (who is funny but also fucked up on a number of issues).

Hasta luego...