Kerry y Bush son comemierdas

I think this is a great political cartoon...what is a latin@ or chican@ supposed to do?

The No Spin Zone

Do you like my reference above?

La locura de la vida

Well, it has been awhile since I last posted something of real substance that was not instigated by some questions that people left me. Last night I received some phonecalls that were very disturbing. I tried to talk with a friend whom it was clear they were having a very hard time and something is really wrong. I asked them what was wrond but they did not want to talk about it, it was heartbreaking not being able to help. I called another friend to find out what was up with my friend with the issue and they told me that it wasn't good and that they weren't able to tell me because they were sworn to secrecy. Although I am told that i will be receiving a phone call today where this friend will hopefully tell me what is going on. I am afraid that it was something to do with either sexual assault or a hate crime. Either way, I might just have to ride back to La Crosse tonight and woop some fuckin' ass. As much as it is great to have graduated and moved on from UW - La Crosse, it is also hard because I left some really good people there that don't have a great support structure. In a way I feel guilty that some are going through a rough time now and I am not there...I feel I should be there either to experience along with them or be somewhat of a shield or at least a shoulder to cry on...

Lately I have been having ridiculous mood swings (as Pinky and some other may be able to attest to) that have me really worried. I haven't felt this bad inside since my junior year of high school and all three years of middle school. I do not want to go back to that place and have fought very hard to not go back there, but I am not sure whether I have the strength and the will to prevent another relapse or episode. I am thinking about going back to therapy (might as well use this kickass insurance while I have it), but I am nervous that it will turn out to be as pointless and ineffective as the last three times I have attempted therapy. And, as childish and stupid as it may seem, I am also afraid of what people might say about me when I tell them (isn't it ironic that I am posting it?) especially if there comes any sort of diagnosis. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...

I feel as if I am too negative in my postings and that they should be more fun and frivilous...isn't that what blogs are meant for? Maybe, just maybe, I will have to impose a rule that only every other post can be serious. Who knows, we'll see.

Clare - I hope you are doing wonderfully and are not filling your lists with too much to do.

Colette - give me a call, I really would like to hang out with you.

Pinky - get some rest, do some homework, have a juice box, and stop being gwumpy.

Jessie - you definitely need to get some rest and make sure Pinky does some homework over
break.

Daniel - you need to get a new phone or give me a number at which I can call you at so that I can
talk with you.

Preparando para irme

So I am currently sitting at a computer in the Women's Resource Center just hours away from going to the airport and leaving my friends at CU-Boulder yet once again. This visit has been one of many mixed emotions, some great highs and some interesting lows. Leaving Boulder, CO I now feel as though I have a greater understanding of what I must do in order to get my life back into shape and working order. I leave Colorado with many ideas and still many as of yet unanswered questions. This probably is not the best medium by which I should be writing about these things...but oh well...I, at some point, have to begin living my life and not worrying excessively about hurting or embarrassing others. Nothing should be said out of malice or pain, but truth and honesty must always be adhered to. My friend, Pinky, said that I should not post anything too personal, especially things that might cast individuals or organizations in a not so good light. So, I have decided to listen to her and try to remain as nondescript as possible, but still have fidelity for my own thoughts and emotions. I know a lot of this seems like a lot of random crap that doesn't make much sense, but when I arrive in Milwaukee tonight I will be sure to post a more explanatory entry because I am not sure I have the language or the content to put what I am feeling into words now.

Respuestas para Hermana C (a.k.a. Colette)

What dream for you future do you refuse to relinquish?

I really would like to have a family. Obviously being queer makes things a bit more difficult. I refuse to give up on the fact that there is a guy out there for me who would like some of the things I want, especially having a family. I think being a father would be one of the greatest experiences and honors in the world. Of course it is not easy, and admittedly, I am scared to have children because I fear I might not have what it takes but then again...who is made out to be a parent right out of the gates? I just hope that I do not make that many mistakes along the way. To even get a chance at a family I really would need to find a partner because I know that I personally could not do it alone. And if you have been reading my blogs lately you know that I have some issues with regards to my love life, or the lack thereof, but this is still something that I refuse to give up on.

What is the best part of your day?

Even though I am not a morning person, I do very much enjoy getting into work and feeling as if I have the opportunity to do some really great work. Although I may loath the current office dynamics at United Council I still really enjoy the work that I do. Working full time to make higher education a possibility and opportunity for everyone is great, amazing, and extremely rewarding. At the beginning my day is always when I am most filled with hope and optimism for the future, which is something comsidering I am a natural pessimist.

What do you think happens to oneself after death?

It is hard for me to answer this question, because my faith and religion is something that I have been struggling with for the past 2 years. I was brought up catholic and for a while (about 10 months) I belonged to a more christian evangelical tradition. If I had to go with my gut reaction, I would say that I do believe in Heaven along with reincarnation. How those two concepts coincide I really don't know but it makes sense to my head and heart. I also do believe in a hell, but I feel this place is reserved for the most hanous and egregious individuals. I do believe in a divine forgiveness for all of the fucked up shit we do in our lives, but I don't feel as if you have to believe in Jesus to receive such forgiveness. I hope that makes sense, although it probably doesn't because it does not make sense it my head all of the time either.

Respuestas para Pinky

1. What do you fear the most in the whole wide world?

I fear that I will never fall in love or be loved in that way in return. Don't get me wrong I feel that people love me, and love me in a very real and deep way. However, I also feel that very real and deep way is seen in the light of brother, grandson, or really really good friend. I know I will anger many people when I say this, but I honestly can say that I do not feel or believe a person is capable in loving me in a more intimate or romantic manner. Again, please don't come back at me and tell that this is bullshit, because I am only trying to tell you what I feel and think as to what my reality is. The fact remains that I have never been approached by an individual whom I've had mutual feelings or attractions to, and it has gotten to the point that I am TERRIFIED if that were to happen. I hate thinking about this subject, it always gets me really depressed and unhappy...but eventually I suppose I am meant to confront my fears, although I am not sure today is the day. In the end, I believe at this time in my life this is what I fear the most!

2. What do you love the most?

Ironically, my greatest fear and love are very much related. I think my greatest love of all is making people feel loved and cared for in a very organic and heartfelt sort of way. As I have said in a number of blog entries or responses over the last couple of days I have said that I dislike trite and banal comments, much in the same way I dislike displaying my affection and love in predictable and expected sorts of ways. For example, a friend of mine is battling cancer right now and he likes bunnies. Well, when I was 3, about to turn 4, years old I contracted an acute form of tonsilitis that blocked 75% of my airway and if they were to operate there was a very good chance that I would bleed to death on the operating room table. While I was in the hospital a close family friend bought me a stuffed bunny that looks a lot like the velveteen rabbit. To say the least it is by far the most treasured object of my childhood. Today I woke up and decided to give it to my friend in the hopes that it would look after him as it did me so many years ago. I like to send cards or flowers unexpectedly. I like to buy a gift for someone that they mentioned they liked just in passing once, so that they know I actually listen to them. I love to cook for people. Ultimately, I like to fill peoples' lives with what I feel many times don't have enough of...love. To let people know that they are worth being personally invested in in a very real way, is super important to me and something I love to do.

3. what do you like most about Daniel, Clare, Jessie, Colette, and I (and you have to answer for each of us)?

• Daniel - what I like the most is that Daniel is a really good listener, even though you might not know it or expect it. And because he is a good listener he oftens times knows what questions to ask you in a conversation that allows you to say some things you are afraid to say and are looking for a way out in order to share your thoughts. And so, because he asks the right question you feel obligated to answer and then you have your way out in order to share what your real thoughts are.
• Clare - I love Clare's humility the best. So many times you meet organizers and politicians where it is all about the ego, and that is definately not how it is with Clare. I feel that what you see is what you get with Clare, you might not get the entire picture, but what you do see is real and organic. There is no reason for glitz, glamour, frills, bells, and whistles with her because she understands that all of that is nothing but sanctimnious bullshit. She stays true to progressive ideals and is a very holy and humble individual indeed.
• Collette - I love that Collette is able to tell you exactly what you need to hear, but don't want to hear, in such a way that makes it feel okay. Recently there was a particular issue I was dealing with in which she was the first and only person whom I told the whole story to. I understood the realization that I needed to come to, but did not want to; and lo and behold Collette just lays it all out for me. And afterwards, I felt a lot better and since have been able to deal better with that part of my emotional life (at least as it concerns that particular issue). I do not know of another individual who could have accomplished that very same thing.
• Jessie - I am extremely appreciative and love the fact that I have found someone who I am able to relate so well to in many different and important ways. The fact that Jessie supported me and understood completely what I was dealing with when I came out to my Abuelita was invaluable and so necessary. It amazes me how he always puts everything before himself: organizing, friendships, school(?), etc. Sometimes he puts himself last so much and at such ciritical times that it can become a fault. I also am loving the fact that I have found another person to whom I can converse with on a regular basis in spanish that is outside my family.
• Pinky - I am not sure there are enough words in the english language to describe what I love the most about Pinky. The amount of loyalty she expresses and that she has towards her friends is absolutely amazing. I have never met someone who is so willing at any given moment to go to the mat for her friends. If her friend needs something, and it is within her power, it is as good as done. I also love the fact that she is so honest and frank with me, that she has been able to have some very uncomfortable and hard conversations with me and yet not have a fucked up dynamic afterwards. The fact that she cares so much about me it helps remind me that I am still alive.

Los pensamientos de un gordo joto vulnerable

So this was my response to a blog entry by my friend Clare. It turned into something really personal so I have decided to post it on my blog as well, probably against my better judgment. But this is what I wrote:

Oh Clare,

I wish I had the right words to say, but they would only ring with hollow truth, since I do the very same thing that you do. I constantly think about my physical presentation to other people, especially men! Either way you look at it it is not healthy; whether we are talking about the physical unhealthiness of being large or the emotional toll it takes because you grow to dislike, even hate, the person you are or have become. There is not an hour that goes by, literally, where I do not think about my size at LEAST once. There is never a day that goes by where I am DISGUSTED by what I am. And ultimately, it does not matter what ANYONE says about me; someone could say that I am the most beautiful person that they have ever seen and truly mean it, but it would not phase me in the least. In the final analysis, I have bought into the mainstream idea of what is beautiful and good-looking, and therefore until I can redefine what beauty is for me nothing will matter. Finding someone that likes me or finds me attractive is only a temporary fix because it is I who subscribes to the dominant notion of attractiveness (at least as it relates to myself), and until I find a new sense of self and redefine myself in a new way, I will always feel the same way about myself. Even now it is hard to put these words down because I feel so exposed, fragile, and vulnerable. I usually hate having this conversation with people because they usually come back with some trite comment that castigates me for saying such things and then presume their comments solve any of my issues and make me feel better. When I make comments about my body size and people respond, I usually let the comment pass right through me as if it were some hollow ethereal spirit because to me they sound so insincere and untruthful, ESPECIALLY BY THOSE WHO ARE THINNER THAN I AM. It is such a chore to even sometimes get dressed and go out, especially when we are talking about going out to party, dance, etc. Going to conferences and other events are stressful because I work so hard to conform myself, aaaaaagggggggghhhhhhh. I don't like the emotions that this is raising in me at the moment, but I do understand that it is beneficial, because usually I atmost deal with it through some off-handed self-depricating humour that is meant to create a sense of self-confidence that is only as thin and as frail as a piece of tissue paper. The fact that I am of a larget size is only compounded by the fact that I am queer. The only time that I ever truly regret being queer is not when I lose a friendship or my parents remind queerness is a sin and that I will be going to hell, but rather when I am reminded or told that I can only be as queer as I am thin. Many times it is really hard throughout an evening of partying and dancing, except when I am really drunk, to be happy and having fun because I feel so below and inadequate! As I write these words I am trying to do everything not to erase them. I do not want to share these thoughts, but something inside says only this way will anything get better. Another thing that I hate is when someone I know tells me about all of their sex-capades or how this person or that person hit on them; then I feel guilty because I should be overjoyed for them in the sense that someone sees some worth in them as a sexual being (hopefully it is not just that if it is a LTR). I have a hard time seing the boundaries between my sexuality and body image, they are very muc interrelated. So Clare, maybe this makes sense to you and you can understand. I thought I would throw these words out there, for what purpose I do not know, but what I do know is that I hope they do not ring hollow and deceitful. We are both larger than the perceived norm, but for a brief moment anyways, the thoughts and emotions of two individuals found each other in the dark.

I would ask that anyone who is planning on responding to this post not do so with trite or banal commentaries that just make things worse. There is a time and place for platitudes and this is not one of those. Thank you.

Respuestas para Jessie

1. What was/is your most conservative belief?

For those of you that do not know I used to be quite the conservative back in the day...such a scary thought, and also a huge amount of sorrow that goes along with that due to the fear of how much hurt and pain I caused. As far as I can remember the most conservative thought I had back in the day was being anti-choice. I wasn't one of those whacked out crazies who would carry signs or pictures, but I did argue very strenously in favor of banning reproductive choice as it pertains to abortion. Today my position is completely reversed, in fact, I went to the March on Washington on April 25, 2004 (Jessie's and my b-day) along with 1,000,000 other folks. I would say currently my most conservative views relate to Cuba. I guess they are conservative in the sense that I do not know what to believe, the pure and unadulterated odio my mom's family has for Castro, or the so-called "progressive" view that Cuba is a great revolutionary country that would be 100% perfect if the sanctions were lifted. I just don't know what to think, so I usually end up somewhere in the middle. I don't know how to balance my family's real life experience as they perceive it or listen to those progressives who have traveled to Cuba and have loved what they have seen. I will say that Batista was a comemierda támbien, and by no means is any better than Castro.

2. What is your happiest childhood moment?

Es muy dificíl para divinar cual es mi memoria favorita de mi niñez. Creo que tengo dos memorias favoritas y se relatan a la familia de mi mamá y a mi bisabuela por parte de mi padre. Mi bisabuela vivió con mi familia antes que ella entró al nursing home. Siempre ella me cuidaba cuando regresé de la escuela ó cuando era enfermo. Ella siempre querría hacer seguro que yo entendí que ella me amó. Yo creo en un Dios/Diosa que ama a todos, y la razon porque yo tengo esa creencia es porque pudia ver esa imensa amor en los ojos de mi bisabuela. Támbien en mi niñez, por parte de mi mamá, nosotros reunimos como familia casi cada sábado o domingo. Eran ocasiones para divertimos uno a otro; ocasión para español, la música latina, comida cubana, y el chisme.

3. What do you want for dinner Friday night (I'm cooking)?

A mi no importa porque yo sé que tu eres un gran cocinero, pero siempre prefiero la comida latina.

Preguntas y respuestas

Everyone who reads this is to ask me 3 questions.
No more, no less.
Ask me anything you want and I will answer it.
Then... go to your journal, and copy and paste this, allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you ANYTHING...

Las locuras de los cristianos conservativos

Horita acabé a hablar con mi papá quien me dijo que durante el fin de semana pasado mis padres almorzaron con mi tía, la hermana de mi papá. Pues, durante la conversación que tuvieron mi papá explicó que soy un joto al impulso de mi mamá. La cosa que necesitas entender es que la familia de mi padre es cristiano, además son cristianos conservativos. Mi Tía Gail dijo que ya sabía porque mi otra Tía Karen, la hermana más menor de mi papá, le dijo. Pregunté a mi papá que había la reacción de mi tía. El dijo que ella esta rezando a Díos que me ayuda, y que ella tiene los mismas pensamientos sobre mi sexualidad como mis padres. La familia de mi padre cree que la homosexualidad es un pecado tan horrible, que sí no repente me voy al infierno. Nada me sorprende pero cada vez alguien sabe que su familia cree que hay algo malo entre de tí, algún parte de la alma se llora.

I am not all that surprised that my aunt had the reaction she did to the news that I am queer, but it still does not make it necessarily any easier. I wish there were more people like my abuelita in my family (on both sides), but I suppose that I should be lucky that I even have her because there are many that do not even have that.

I am possibly looking at leaving United Council because it is hard at times, many times, to work for this organization. It is hard to constantly be the conscience of an organization and very tiring. This is not to say that I am perfect because I definitely have a lot of shit to work out. Working in a place where people are just counting down the minutes within a staff meeting where I will bring up something that I believe to be fucked up is ridiculous!!! Maybe they shouldn't spend all of their time and energy in counting the minutes, and instead, reinvest that effort in something like... oh, I don't know...not being a shit head motherfucker who doesn't give a rat's ass whether they make people feel like crap.

Well...I must return to my ridiculous job and at least pretend to do some work.

¡Espero que tu vida sigue con muchas bendiciones y suerte hasta la proxima vez que escrito!

La Primera Grita

For those of you who do not speak spanish my blog might be hard to understand at times...something for which I do not apologize nor do I give a fuck to even explain why I am not sorry!!! However, I will make this one exception and explain what the title of my blog means and why I chose this name. "Sueños Y Gritas" literally means "Dreams and Rants," because not only to I have an idealistic vision or dream of what this world should look like, but at the same time have a shit load of complaints, commentary, and rants about what the hell is going on and how the shit-hole of a society called the United States is being fuckin' run!!!!!

Espero al día donde no tengo ningún grita y solamente sueños, pero hasta que ese día pasa seguiré gritando con toda la fuerza y poder de mis hermanas y hermanos de la revolución.

P.S. Doy mucha gracias a mi abuelita que me dijo cuando yo le dije soy maricon que pa ella no importa. Ella dijo que soy su nieto y estoy en la alma y corazon de ella, y que la mas importante es que soy feliz!