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Update on mi vida

I finally have some good news to share!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So most you know that one of the sadder parts of my life for the last 2.5 years has been that I have not had anybody special in my life. Well, I am very pleased to tell you there has been some movement in that area of my life. About a week and a half ago I met a guy by the name of Eric at an event on UW-Madison's campus. We really clicked that night and have been talkin since. Here are a few details about Eric:

• He is a Ph.D. student at Madison in English (emphasis in rhetoric and composition) and just earned his Master's in Af. Am. Studies.
• He is from Queens, NY
• He went to Lincoln University (the first HBCU ever established)
• He is a fuckin' down as shit organizer
• He has a very old soul

Well, I thought I would just share that piece of information with you all. In case I do not post before the holidays...I love everyone and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Much love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long Ass Time...

So, it has been a long ass time since I last posted to this blog...my apologies to my fans (that's assuming that I have fans).

Here is the list of things that have pissed me off lately:

• the election of George W. "the Führer" Bush
• my parents and sister telling me they voted for the Führer, and then my father telling me he plans on voting for the anti-marriage amendment in Wisconsin in April.
• the students at out last United Council General Assembly for choosing 3 women, 3 people of color, and 3 openly queer people (of which there are some who belong to multiple groups) for our upcoming search and screen committee so that we can hire a Women's Issues Director and an LGBTQ Issues Director. The total number of people on the committee is 13. It is reassuring that straight, white, men will be making all the decisions for our hiring.
• the fact that United Council, both in management and students, have pushed out three staff members. Out Women's Issues, LGBTQ, and Executive Directors have all resigned. I will miss them dearly...my only hope is that their replacements will be as down and on point as they were.
• I am tired of the same two friends of mine fighting every other day. The two of them need to learn to be open, honest, and forgiving. Get your shit out their and let it go!!! You are too good of people to let this crap keep on happening.
• Family of friends who are soooo narrow minded that they are willing to sacrifice a loving relationship in order to "teach a lesson."
• NBC and CBS refusing to air on ad from the United Church of Christ that advertised the UCC's open and affirming policy towards women, people of color, queer people, people with a disability, etc because it was deemed to be too controversial (by NBC) and out of step with the Bush Administration's agenda for a marriage amendment (by CBS)
• Being single...I wanna cuddle with someone.

This is what has inspired or given me hope as of late:

• Being single...I don't really need the drama.
• Going to a quinceañera and being reminded that traditions can continue in this country and to fight, fight back against assimilation.
• Talking to my abuelita and her asking if I have a boyfriend because she is interested in my life...we eventually laughed and joked about the current state of events.
• My bestfriend, Alexis, is coming back from Scotland for a few days in a week.
• The bravery and courage a friend has shown while receiving some bad medical news.
• Talking to Clare, who tries to talk some sense into my silly self.

La vida es la que es. Podemos aceptarla or cambiarla en una visión de un mundo más justo.

Una llamada de mi mamá

So, I received a call from my mother today which in and of itself isn't amazing, but something clicked in my head when she called. First, I would just like to say that for those of you who are close to your parents, whether it is both or just one, consider yourselves incredibly blessed and very fortunate. I have never been particularly close to my father EVER, but in recent years the chasm between us has lessoned somewhat but still very much exists. I use to be extremely close to my mother. We innately had a really close bond up until college and then many things changed. First, my parents and sister converted from catholicism to a very conservative form of evangelical christianity. They joined a church in fact, that has a number of websites dedicated to help families intervene and rescue loved ones from this church. About a year after their conversion I came out to them and for all intents and purposes all hell broke lose (no pun intended). Since then things have been really strained between my mother and myself and I hate it. For latin@s there is usually no more important thing than family, so when it seems as if those very individuals deliberately withold at least a part of their love it is devastating. I have an extremely small family, even when extended family are included, and most know that I am queer. Of those that know only one has been truly supportive, and that is my abuelita, and the only other person who has been even remotely supportive is my aunt. So, why am I bringing all of this up...

Well, when my mother called me today she asked me if everything is alright with me and whether I had seen a therapist yet. I had informed her that I did not see one yet, but that I do have an appointment. She then said that she wants me to tell her when I do see one. What I do not get is what she expects me to tell her. I know exactly what she is going to want to know. She will ask me what I told the doctor in detail and then what their response was. I don't understand what she thinks she is going to get out of me. I don't trust her, let alone feel comfortable telling her what went on in the session (plus, it is the first session so very little I imagine will come out of it). The point is that I REALLY want to be able to tell her what I am going through, I want things to go back to how they used to be, but at this point it is not an option.

Time draws near when I have to have yet another long and painful conversation with my parents. I have had them many times before, of which I have initiated all of them, and it seems that I will have to do so again.

I would like to apologize to the handful of people that actually read this blog for it being very depressing all of the time. Suffice it to say that I am not in a very good or happy place right now in my life (which is probably apparent without me saying it). I soemtimes can't believe that I right have the shit that I do on this damn things because I am not sure I want everybody who reads this to know a lot of these thoughts, but I am sure deep down inside somewhere I do...I don't know. Either way, I do apologize and hopefully soon I can post some more uplifting and good news and thoughts, so we will see...

Hmmmm...

I am in a really weird mood today, especially right at this moment in time. Over the last few days I have been going over the many friendships and relationships that I have in this world and have contemplated who I want to associate with anymore. I can't really explain what has brought me to such a line of thinking...or maybe I can I just do not care to divulge it in such a public a manner...who knows? I am going through another one of those crazy mood swings that I wish I could just throw the brakes on and move in reverse, but it seems the harder I try to stop it the more powerful it becomes. I scheduled an evaluation with the UW Behavioral Health Department of the UW Hospital to take place in the next week and a half. I can't wait for that date to come because these emotional ups and downs fuckin suck!!!

On a lighter note...I've seen three great movies lately that I deeply recommend Man on Fire, Angels in America, and Latter Days. As well, the wonderful Clare, sent me a great gift that I received on Friday. It was a poem that is set into some sort of art collage that is beautiful (I am sooooo sorry I am not describing it with justice b/c my art vocab is absolutely pathetic). On the same day, another friend, Cheryl, my grrrl from back home in Milwaukee (M-town!!!), sent me a package with the soundtrack to Camp (another movie I highly recommend) and the first season of the Dave Chapelle Show (who is funny but also fucked up on a number of issues).

Hasta luego...

Kerry y Bush son comemierdas

I think this is a great political cartoon...what is a latin@ or chican@ supposed to do?

The No Spin Zone

Do you like my reference above?

La locura de la vida

Well, it has been awhile since I last posted something of real substance that was not instigated by some questions that people left me. Last night I received some phonecalls that were very disturbing. I tried to talk with a friend whom it was clear they were having a very hard time and something is really wrong. I asked them what was wrond but they did not want to talk about it, it was heartbreaking not being able to help. I called another friend to find out what was up with my friend with the issue and they told me that it wasn't good and that they weren't able to tell me because they were sworn to secrecy. Although I am told that i will be receiving a phone call today where this friend will hopefully tell me what is going on. I am afraid that it was something to do with either sexual assault or a hate crime. Either way, I might just have to ride back to La Crosse tonight and woop some fuckin' ass. As much as it is great to have graduated and moved on from UW - La Crosse, it is also hard because I left some really good people there that don't have a great support structure. In a way I feel guilty that some are going through a rough time now and I am not there...I feel I should be there either to experience along with them or be somewhat of a shield or at least a shoulder to cry on...

Lately I have been having ridiculous mood swings (as Pinky and some other may be able to attest to) that have me really worried. I haven't felt this bad inside since my junior year of high school and all three years of middle school. I do not want to go back to that place and have fought very hard to not go back there, but I am not sure whether I have the strength and the will to prevent another relapse or episode. I am thinking about going back to therapy (might as well use this kickass insurance while I have it), but I am nervous that it will turn out to be as pointless and ineffective as the last three times I have attempted therapy. And, as childish and stupid as it may seem, I am also afraid of what people might say about me when I tell them (isn't it ironic that I am posting it?) especially if there comes any sort of diagnosis. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...

I feel as if I am too negative in my postings and that they should be more fun and frivilous...isn't that what blogs are meant for? Maybe, just maybe, I will have to impose a rule that only every other post can be serious. Who knows, we'll see.

Clare - I hope you are doing wonderfully and are not filling your lists with too much to do.

Colette - give me a call, I really would like to hang out with you.

Pinky - get some rest, do some homework, have a juice box, and stop being gwumpy.

Jessie - you definitely need to get some rest and make sure Pinky does some homework over
break.

Daniel - you need to get a new phone or give me a number at which I can call you at so that I can
talk with you.

Preparando para irme

So I am currently sitting at a computer in the Women's Resource Center just hours away from going to the airport and leaving my friends at CU-Boulder yet once again. This visit has been one of many mixed emotions, some great highs and some interesting lows. Leaving Boulder, CO I now feel as though I have a greater understanding of what I must do in order to get my life back into shape and working order. I leave Colorado with many ideas and still many as of yet unanswered questions. This probably is not the best medium by which I should be writing about these things...but oh well...I, at some point, have to begin living my life and not worrying excessively about hurting or embarrassing others. Nothing should be said out of malice or pain, but truth and honesty must always be adhered to. My friend, Pinky, said that I should not post anything too personal, especially things that might cast individuals or organizations in a not so good light. So, I have decided to listen to her and try to remain as nondescript as possible, but still have fidelity for my own thoughts and emotions. I know a lot of this seems like a lot of random crap that doesn't make much sense, but when I arrive in Milwaukee tonight I will be sure to post a more explanatory entry because I am not sure I have the language or the content to put what I am feeling into words now.